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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26753692">I'm Mr. Loverman</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edgar_Allen_No/pseuds/Edgar_Allen_No'>Edgar_Allen_No</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hanahaki Fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bittersweet Ending, Cheating, Depressing, Emotional Hurt, For a Friend, Hanahaki Disease, I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry Lee Felix (Stray Kids), I'm Sorry Lee Minho | Lee Know, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lee Felix &amp; Lee Minho | Lee Know are Best Friends, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One-Sided Attraction, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Possible Character Death, Protective Minho, Requited Love, Sad Ending, Sad Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Sad Lee Minho | Lee Know, To Be Edited</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:33:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,567</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26753692</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edgar_Allen_No/pseuds/Edgar_Allen_No</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, those with the kindest hearts are given the darkest curses, but those with the brightest smiles always do hide the most terrible secrets.</p><p>/////</p><p>Felix is in love. Its unrequited, so says the disease blooming in his chest. He's going to die, he's okay with that. Things perhaps get a little more complicated along the way.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hanahaki Fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948582</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I'm Mr. Loverman</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Made this for a friend and that bitch didn't even cry smh,,,,</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If there’s a god<br/>
I don’t believe<br/>
someone as perfect as you would love me</p><p>/////</p><p>I see you when you hide<br/>
and when you lie, it’s no surprise</p><p>/////</p><p>Why don’t you know<br/>
that you’re the one with all the control<br/>
you’ve cut me now prepare<br/>
to watch me bleed</p><p>/////</p><p>The world was not always as kind as some were to it. Sometimes, those with the kindest hearts are given the darkest curses. It doesn’t matter if they had the brightest of souls, a brilliance known only to the children of the sun, the shining, good-natured people of pleasantry. The only matter was that they loved too hard, too fast, too much and flowers spilled from their lips, infecting their lungs and rotting away their life. </p><p>At least, that was what was preached to the common people. What they didn’t tell them was how... beautiful the entire disease was. Born from unrequited love, consisting of a variety of flowers of fitting meanings, from daisies and forget-me-nots to carnations and roses, or even ambrosia- your love is returned- to tell the story of the afflicted’s feelings through the language of only the most romantic and heartbreaking of flowers. </p><p>Felix didn’t know what to think when he first coughed up those flowers, some yellow, some a blue-purple, both with five to seven thin petals. In the moment, it was terrifying. He was in love and he had no idea who with. One of the first things he did, after emptying the contents of his stomach into his bathroom sink, was look up the flowers and their meanings. He had heard stories of people who threw up ambrosia or a similar flower, telling them to confess and that all would be well. He was stupid to hope.</p><p>The blue-purple flowers- agapanthus- were known as the flowers of love, and beauty. The yellow ones- hyacinth- symbolize jealousy. That was confusing to Felix at first. Until he figured out who his flowers were for, then it all made sense. Because of course he was jealous. Because hanahaki is so much worse when you have it for two people. And it does not help if those two people you are in love with just happen to be your best friends. Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t help if they happen to already be in a relationship with each other. </p><p>But it’s okay, Felix didn’t mind dying if it meant he died in love. Being in love with your best friends was a feeling too good to be true, it led to many late nights lying in bed and just... feeling. Feeling loved, feeling appreciated, feeling known better than he knows himself. Being in love with his best friends gave him clarity, showing him that they really do care, that they love him (even if it’s not the same), no doubts. It also gives him fantasies from the depths of his mind, only coming out at night when he’s alone, that he just can’t seem to bring himself to hate, even if he wakes up sweating and coughing his lungs out, bed sheets covered in those small, yellow and blue flowers.</p><p>He hadn’t told anyone yet. They’d just tell him to get the surgery and that was the one thing he couldn’t bring himself to do. It would remove the flowers, the only things there to remind him that these feelings were real. Even if his two friends already had each other, he knew somewhere in his soul that things could work out between the three of them, but maybe it was the constant insistence of “unrequited” flowing through his mind that made him do nothing, only watching on the sidelines.</p><p>He still hadn’t even entertained the idea of telling them what was happening, how he was going to die because of them. Well, not because of them specifically, but because of all the little things that made him fall in love with them. The arms around his shoulder, comforting and heavy. The laughter shared after midnight when none of them could sleep, soft and in-the-moment. Every little smile sent his way and all the inside jokes. Everything that led him to love his best friends so much that it had him coughing up agapanthus and yellow hyacinth flowers. Love, beauty, and jealousy.</p><p>/////</p><p>Felix was naturally a happy person, it’s been joked that he never cried as a child, always smiling and laughing, making others happy with him. Lately, however, he’d been more inclined to faking how he felt. After all he could never tell his loved ones about what was actually going on with him. They’d push him to get the surgery, especially his friends, but what they wouldn’t get was that Felix was okay with dying. He was okay with it, as long as he died knowing he was in love, knowing he was able to get close enough to two people to love every part of them, no matter how dark or twisted. </p><p>It would be difficult for his friends when they found out why he died so young, why he couldn’t breath and why his lungs were filled with flowers. It would be especially difficult on Hyunjin and Jisung if they ever found out that the flowers were for them, that Felix was dying because he loved them too much for his own good. They’d feel guilty, especially Hyunjin, he was the one who asked Jisung out in front of their group of friends a couple of days before the flowers and their petals started pouring from Felix’s lips. </p><p>He hadn’t seen Hyunjin or Jisung in about a week. He couldn’t, not when just the thought of them holding hands (with or without him) caused fully bloomed, blood smeared flowers to spill off his tongue and rip him from his thoughts back to the reality that he was alone in his room, coughing up flowers for the boys that would never love him because they already had each other. </p><p>His friends checked up on him daily ever since he told them he thought he was coming down with something. Minho checked if he had eaten, Seungmin if he had drank enough water that day, and so on. He always answered everyone except Hyunjin or Jisung, his lungs couldn’t bear talking to them anymore, not when he could barely think of them without gagging on blood and petals. </p><p>He could feel the damage that was done to his body with even the smallest of things, with how hard it was to expand or contract his lungs to breath, how his throat ached and pulsed with pain when he swallowed. It hurt, but Felix was prepared to suffer until the disease fully overtook his lungs and suffocated him. He was prepared to die for love. </p><p>/////</p><p>Everyone was worried for Felix, he told them he was sick a week ago, after he had been coughing and vomiting for at least two. He still talked to most of them, but it was all short sentences and stilted conversation, and any time one of them asked about the sickness plaguing him all they got was an “I’m fine, it’ll pass” and that was the end of the conversation. Although they all knew it wouldn’t pass so easily, Minho especially knew. </p><p>He hadn’t told Felix but one day (a week or so after Hyunjin had asked Jisung out, when their schedules had finally allowed them to have a night to celebrate their new relationship over at Minho and Seungmin’s apartment), after he had ran to the bathroom to vomit after coughing for a solid three minutes, Minho followed him. He hadn’t followed too closely, he reached the bathroom just in time to be standing outside the door and hear heavy, wet retches from Felix. After a few minutes of just standing outside the bathroom, not knowing what to do, Minho heard the vomiting stop and soon soft sobs took its place. While he didn’t want Felix to suffer alone, he also didn’t know how to handle someone else’s tears or how to approach the conversation that maybe Felix knew more about this illness taking over him and how serious it was then what he previously told them.</p><p>In a moment of stupidity, Minho decided that if it was really serious Felix would tell them, and went to leave. However, when he got a few feet from the door, a feeling of apprehension took over him. He crept back to the door of the bathroom (still only slightly ajar, Felix hadn’t left yet) and peeked inside only to see Felix on his knees on the floor of the bathroom, tears were flowing steadily from his eyes and he was cradling a handful of flower petals in his hands. Minho was stuck there almost in a daze, staring at the flower petals in Felix’s hands. One of his best friends was coughing up flowers.</p><p>A quiet, almost silent sob left Felix, bringing Minho back from his daze just fast enough to barely hear his friend whisper, “Why them? Why not Chan, or Minho, why them. They already have each other… they don’t want me.”</p><p>Minho slowly backed away from the door after hearing that. He knew he shouldn’t have, but now he knew that Felix wasn’t just sick, he was dying. Even if Minho knew this, he never pressured Felix to talk about it, he never even bothered to tell him that he knew just how serious this illness was. And he wasn’t going to tell him to get the surgery, it was Felix’s choice, not his. Even if he wished his friend would just get it over with and stay alive, he knew he couldn’t bring himself to force Felix into something he didn’t want. If Felix was prepared to die, then Minho was prepared to grieve. And if he resented Hyunjin and Jisung for just a few moments, glaring at them until Seungmin sent him a worried glance and a jab to the side, nobody needed to know.</p><p>/////</p><p>It wasn’t as if Felix wanted to die, but there was really no other choice, he just couldn’t get rid of these feelings he had, not when they were the best thing to happen to him, second only to meeting his best friends. He knew that, so why did it feel so wrong? Why did it feel like this choice of his was a mistake, like he wasn’t intended to make it or like he was doing something wrong?</p><p>Felix spent hours questioning himself while staring up at his ceiling, not even registering Minho’s ring tone blaring insistently. Only after the fourth call did he notice, too wrapped up in his thoughts to even think that one of his friends could be wanting to talk to him. After he took notice of the voicemails left by Minho, he decided maybe it was important and he should call back. </p><p>“Felix, hey, I didn’t think you were awake?” Minho answered within the first two rings, sounding very surprised, a little too surprised for Felix to think he really didn’t expect him to call back.</p><p>“It’s 10 am Minho.”</p><p>“Ha, well you’re sick you know, you have to make sure you rest.”</p><p>“I keep telling you, I’m fine, it’ll pass,” Felix knew he was lying, but Minho didn’t and that was what mattered. (you can’t let them find out).</p><p>“Well I was wondering if you were up for hanging out today, just the two of us, my place?” Felix was suspicious, they barely hung out just the two of them, but he agreed anyways.</p><p>“Great! I’ll pick you up about… now? Yeah, now, because I’m already here, so get dressed will you?”</p><p>Minho hung up after saying that. Felix sighed and, as well as he could when he could barely breathe, got out of his pajamas and into a day outfit before leaving the apartment to see Minho in the parking lot and begrudgingly got into his car, he really wasn’t feeling like hanging out today but Minho had always been patient with him, especially after he got sick, and he was already there.</p><p>Minho smiled at him when he entered the car, it was a nice smile, Felix thought for a second that it shouldn’t be aimed at him. They drove in silence back to Minho and Seungmin’s apartment, Felix wasn’t as chatty lately and he was glad that Minho understood that. </p><p>/////</p><p>Minho spent three hours researching hanahaki after that day he saw Felix vomit flowers. He learned a lot, but all it did was make him bitter and resentful towards Hyunjin and Jisung. They were supposed to be the closest to Felix and yet they didn’t notice that something was so wrong with him that he was dying and it was their fault. Even if Minho knew he shouldn’t blame them, they had no idea that Felix was in love with them, they had no idea getting together or acting on their feelings for each other would kill Felix. </p><p>A part of Minho, the stronger part, kept saying that while they didn’t know, they should’ve at least noticed that Felix was really suffering and they were doing nothing. Sure, they tried reaching out to him, but that was easily ignored and just made everything worse. And so what if Minho was upset, his friend was dying and he could do nothing about it. But that didn’t matter right now, because right now it was deathly silent in his car and Felix was the quietest Minho had ever seen. </p><p>As if taking Minho’s thoughts as a cue, Felix leaned over to his friend’s side of the car and laid his head on Minho’s shoulder, “Thanks for getting me out of my apartment, I needed some air.”</p><p>Minho smiled, a just-for-himself smile and used one hand to ruffle Felix’s hair, “Of course, I know you needed it.”</p><p>Felix looked up at Minho from his spot on the other’s shoulder, “What do you mean?”</p><p>“I mean you’ve had it rough lately, being as sick as you are and stuff, you deserve a break from that stuffy apartment once in a while.”</p><p>Felix smiled up at him and Minho forced his eyes back to the road as they drove the rest of the way in more silence, but this silence was comfortable, easy, relaxed. </p><p>/////</p><p>When they arrived at Minho and Seungmin’s place, Felix felt a sort of familiar calm he hadn’t felt since keeping himself in his apartment. It was a nice change of pace, seeing Minho and getting out of his room. Ultimately however, he still felt horrible, with the gradual difficulty of breathing, the constant coughing fits, ignoring two of closest friends as to not die sooner. All Felix hoped was that he didn’t get into a coughing fit around Minho (don’t let them find out). </p><p>/////</p><p>Minho didn’t really like the silence, he liked noise, no matter how small it seemed, it mattered to him that there was something for his ears to train on other than the noise inside his head. That’s where Felix came in, always having something to say or a reply to what was said. Minho liked that about Felix, he always knew just what to say in the moment. And that’s what made this silence that stretched between them so tense and awkward, because this was the only time Minho could see that Felix had no idea what to say. Although, at least they were alone, and maybe Minho could get the courage to confess that he knew about Felix’s disease, that he knew his friend could die sooner rather than later. </p><p>As if Minho’s thoughts were yet again being broadcasted to other people, Seungmin chose that moment to come back into the apartment, dragging a reluctant Hyunjin and an apprehensive Jisung behind him. </p><p>“Hey Minho,” Seungmin, very energetically, addressed his roommate, “I know you said to give you and Felix some space for a while but I ran into these two and heard they haven’t seen him in a week!” </p><p>Minho was, admittedly, terrified of what seeing them could do to Felix’s condition. So, he blabbed some excuse that they needed to get somewhere that instant, grabbed the other’s hand, and pushed past Seungmin, Hyunjin, and Jisung to flee the apartment. </p><p>/////</p><p>Felix was confused. And sure, maybe he got confused easily, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have a right to be confused when Minho literally dragged him out of the apartment almost the second Seungmin and the others showed up. </p><p>“Hey…” He started, not sure how to approach this topic, “Did you and Seungmin fight?” Minho looked back at Felix and stopped pulling him away from the apartment complex for a second, poorly acting as if he had no idea what the other was talking about.</p><p>“You just seemed to want to get out of there pretty fast like… the second he showed up with the others,” Felix explained, feeling a little embarrassed, like he had overstepped the boundaries of their friendship or overanalyzed the situation.</p><p>“Oh,” Minho stared at the ground, avoiding Felix’s eyes, “Let’s talk over there.” He gestured to a small park across the street and silently they continued walking (and if Minho’s hand was still holding Felix’s and if Felix didn’t really mind because for some reason it made the tickle in the back of his throat leave for just a few moments, then no one needed to know)</p><p>/////</p><p>    When they reached the park and sat down next to each other on one of the hot, metal benches, Minho didn’t know what to say. Well, he knew what he could say, he was just terrified of the outcome his words might bring.</p><p>    I know you have hanahaki,<br/>
You’re dying and it terrifies me,<br/>
I know you love Hyunjin and Jisung,<br/>
And I know it’s slowly killing you,<br/>
Please don’t leave me,<br/>
I love you.</p><p>/////</p><p>Felix was conflicted. He wanted to tell Minho, patient, calm, always-there-for-him Minho. He wanted to tell him everything. From the first day he started feeling sick to when he found out he was dying to right then and there, on the park bench. But he also wanted to question Minho. About why he dragged Felix out of the apartment. How did he manage to be the rock for all of their friends, constant and supportive, ever-a-strong foundation and if he needed a rock himself. If he fought with Seungmin and what it was about. If he somehow knew Felix was dying and he knew to get him away from Hyunjin and Jisung. Felix wanted comfort and support, but he also wanted answers.</p><p>But out of all those questions and wants, he settled for asking, “Why did you drag me out of the apartment, Minho?”</p><p>Minho startled, jumping slightly and eyes widening in surprise, as if he was so lost in thought that it didn’t register with him that Felix was going to ask questions.</p><p>“I- because- Felix, I know… I know, Felix,” he finally settled for, leaving Felix breathless and utterly, utterly, in shock.</p><p>What did Minho mean? Did he know about the hanahaki, was Felix’s hunch correct? Did he know about all the late nights and early mornings spent hacking flowers out of his lungs? Did he know about all the pain and hurt Felix had endured because he simply loved too much? Did he know about the dozens of plastic bags filled to the brim with petals and flowers from his lungs and throat thrown away in the pitch darkness of night? What exactly did he know and to what extent? </p><p>"Wha- know what, Minho?” Felix played it off as though he had no idea what Minho was referring to, as if he didn’t know that Minho knew, that he knew Felix was dying.</p><p>“You know what I mean.”</p><p>Tears burned their way to Felix’s eyes, but didn’t spill. They welled up and collected, making his vision blurry and Minho’s face just a mess of the color and the park behind him a bustling abstract. He didn’t want to know what Minho meant, he wanted to be so oblivious. To the fact that flowers were tearing up his lungs and throat, that it was making it harder to breathe by the hour, that eventually he would die.</p><p>Minho pulled him into a hug, holding his head with one hand and playing with the small hairs on the back of it while wrapping his other hand around Felix’s midsection, murmuring apologies into his ear, not even caring that Felix wasn’t hugging him back. He just hugged Felix as he shook and let out small sniffles. Felix appreciated the effort, really, but it didn’t make him feel any better about anything. Because Minho still knew he was going to die. Hyunjin and Jisung were still killing him. He was still dying. </p><p>/////</p><p>So Hyunjin may have been a little pissed. Because apparently, Minho knew why Felix was avoiding him and Jisung and he was helping him avoid them. Why else would he have dragged Felix out of the apartment at first glance of them trailing after Seungmin? It was frustrating, being avoided for so long. Hyunjin could handle maybe a few hours or a couple days, but a little over a week? That was just too long, something had to be up and it was definitely serious. He just wanted Felix to talk to him or Jisung about it because obviously this whole avoidance had something to do with the both of them. </p><p>"Hey,” Jisung set a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder, comforting and heavy and familiar, “If it’s really serious, if it’s really about us, then he’ll tell us.” He looked to Seungmin, “Right?” he asked quietly, as if doubting his own words, like he needed the reassurance he was trying to give Hyunjin.</p><p>Seungmin nodded quickly, but all three of them knew he was lying. Clearly, Felix had something to hide from them, but apparently it didn’t matter if Minho knew and that broke Hyunjin’s heart because they were supposed to be best friends. What could possibly be so important that it had to be hidden and buried so deep in the chasm forming between them? Hyunjin didn’t know, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t figure it out.</p><p>/////</p><p>When Minho let go of Felix and pushed him back, hands on the other’s shoulders, he hated what he saw. Felix’s eyes, usually sparkling with light and energy, were dark and so, so tired. Of what Minho wasn’t sure, the disease, lack of sleep, running, all of the above. There were bags under his eyes, heavy and ever present on his pale skin. And Minho didn’t see it before, but his hair was ruffled in all the wrong ways, his eyelids droopy, and he was much more fidgety than normal, playing with the sleeve’s edge of his often worn hoodie he threw on before leaving. It made Minho upset, to see one of his best friends in such a state. </p><p>“Felix...”</p><p>“What, Minho? What?” Felix snapped, bristling as though he was a child about to get lectured, “Are you gonna tell me I look like I’m on the verge of dying? Well, I am! Is that what you want me to say?”</p><p>“No, Felix,” Minho tried to calm him down, as other people around the park (parents, most of them, he assumed) were starting to pay attention to them the more Felix yelled.  </p><p>“Stop it! Stop trying to comfort me! I know I’m dying, but I’m okay with it. I’m going to die and that’s fine. So stop trying to act like it’s your normal heartbreak!” </p><p>“Felix, listen!” he shouted, causing a few other people around them to jump at how loud it was, but it got Felix’s attention and that was all that mattered, “I know that you’re fully aware of your situation and the consequences of doing what you’re doing. But that doesn’t mean you can cause a scene and give these strangers insight into your private life.”</p><p>Felix looked as though he was going to yell back at Minho again, but then the words sunk in and he looked around at all the people trying not to stare at them. He looked back to Minho. </p><p>They glared at each other for a few moments, before a small, “Felix?” made them both jump and turn towards Hyunjin, standing there behind them, shaking. His eyes gleamed like a mirror in the sunlight with unshed tears as he slowly walked towards them.</p><p>“You’re dying?” He asked, voice cracking a little, when he came towards the bench, “What’s- what’s wrong? A-are you sick? Or what?” Hyunjin continued, but Minho wasn’t listening, he glanced to Felix, watching and waiting for him to run, but the other male wasn’t moving.</p><p>/////</p><p>Shock and anxiety and pure fear rushed through Felix when he caught sight of Hyunjin. This wasn’t supposed to happen, he wasn’t supposed to know. It was bad enough that Minho had to confront him and that they argued, but now Hyunjin knew? And not just that he was sick, but that he was dying. God, and he’s asking about it, straight to Felix’s face and Felix can’t say no to him, he can’t lie.</p><p>“-nd were you just going to go silently and not even tell me? Or Jisung? Not even Seungmin or Chan or anyone? Were you just going to die and we’d have to find out from Minho or your parents? What the hell Felix?”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he mumbled in response, unable to even get his thoughts in order to say anything else, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorr-”</p><p>“Hey, hey,” Hyunjin interjects, coming closer and placing a hand on Felix’s forearm, trying to be comforting, but all he accomplished was creating a feeling of suffocation, “it’s okay, just… w-why did you tell Minho and not the rest of us?”</p><p>“I found out,” Minho says, startling Hyunjin as though he forgot Minho was there, “He didn’t tell me.” </p><p>Hyunjin didn’t reply, he just looked back at Felix, who now had tears openly falling down his face, and began to gently run his hand up and down Felix’s arm in an attempt to calm him. Felix let out a small sob and Minho immediately glared at anyone watching. Quickly standing and setting a hand on Felix’s other arm, he guided Felix, and a following Hyunjin, back to the apartment complex where they were met with a pacing Seungmin and an overly quiet Jisung. </p><p>“Hyunjin!” Seungmin exclaimed, clearly worried, “You can’t just run off and not say anything like that!”</p><p>Minho watched as Hyunjin tried to reply, most likely to apologize, but got choked up. Seungmin and Jisung both turned towards Felix, Minho was mainly ignored because of the fact that Felix was snivelling terribly and Hyunjin couldn’t say a word without almost crying himself. </p><p>The other two cautiously walked over to the three, but before they reached them, Hyunjin let out a cry, “Felix is- he’s dying!” Minho felt anger shoot through him like a lightning bolt, what gave Hyunjin the right to tell the other two about Felix, when he didn’t even know he was part of the cause?</p><p>Grabbing a fistful of Hyunjin’s shirt, Minho pushed him into the nearest wall and away from Felix, he didn’t deserve to be that close to Felix, “What the hell Hyunjin? You had no right to say that, that should’ve been Felix’s decision whether to tell them or not! He didn’t even want to tell you!”</p><p>“Minho, stop!” Seungmin shouted, but the words fell onto deaf ears.</p><p>Jisung tried to pull Minho back and away from Hyunjin, but he wouldn’t budge, he simply let the anger take over and block out all his other senses, all he felt was rage, all he saw was red, all he heard was the blood pumping in his ears, and all he tasted was bitter words. The others’ words had no effect on him, Jisung couldn’t move him, and Hyunjin just kept getting shoved harder and harder into the wall behind him. Minho was seething. How dare Hyunjin give away Felix’s biggest secret like it was nothing, how dare he tell the other two about Felix’s predicament like it was his own and like he was the one who was most affected?</p><p>“Minho?” a small whisper from Felix and suddenly all the anger in Minho subdued and quieted, replaced by the thought of how Felix must’ve felt at that moment. Almost immediately after his name left the other’s mouth, Minho dropped Hyunjin’s shirt and swiftly turned away, stalking towards the corner of the room where none of the others stood. Seungmin and Jisung were shocked into silence, but Felix paid little attention to them, only focusing on Hyunjin. </p><p>“Are you okay?” He asked as he walked towards the other. Hyunjin shook his head, still close to crying any time he looked at or thought about Felix.</p><p>“Felix…” Jisung spoke up, “are you really…?”</p><p>Felix nodded, tears now quieter, but steady. Jisung looked to Seungmin, a question in his eyes. Seungmin gestured towards Felix and Hyunjin and quietly left the room, neither Felix and Hyunjin, nor Minho noticed. It seemed like Minho was forgotten about as Jisung walked up to Felix, looking to Hyunjin with yet another silent question. Hyunjin looked to Felix, then back to Jisung, and nodded quickly.<br/>
“If you really are… dying,” Jisung said slowly, taking Felix’s hand in his own, “then there’s something we would like to share with you.” Hyunjin followed suit and put his hands around Jisung and Felix’s.</p><p>Minho felt like he was intruding on a private moment. He also felt like he was going to be sick. Of course. Of course, Jisung and Hyunjin would love Felix back, who wouldn’t love Felix? But was it so wrong of Minho to think that there might have possibly been something between himself and Felix too? Was he imagining things or was he always going to be second best. The best friend when Hyunjin and Jisung aren’t around, the love interest when neither are thought to love him back, the driver when they both are on a date or busy, no matter what Minho was always the second choice. </p><p>He turned around and sped down the hallway towards the bathroom, feeling the overwhelming sensation of being about to throw up. As he neared the first door on the right, he began to gag and dry heave. The door to the bathroom was slammed open, but he was sure that none of the others paid attention to it. Minho ran inside and placed both hands on either side of the sink, just wanting for this to be over. His throat burned and his chest hurt and there was something in his throat, suspiciously dry and not moving no matter how many times he coughed and gagged.</p><p>Eventually, after a few minutes of just hacking out his lungs, Minho took one hand away from the sink’s edge and instead shoved it into his mouth, prodding into his throat just so he get whatever was in there out and in the open without all the needless pain of dry heaving until it budged. He felt something soft, and semi-dry semi-coated in saliva. It felt velvety. </p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh no.</p><p>Minho hurriedly began to try and reach deeper into his throat to get the pet- the thing out, but he kept gagging and not being able to reach far enough. There were tears in his eyes, from fear or the gagging, or jealousy he wasn’t sure. What he was mostly sure of, however, was that Felix wouldn’t be dying now and that should’ve made him happy, but here he was crying and coughing on a love that would never be returned because why choose Minho over Hyunjin and Jisung. Why choose someone better suited to a second choice, a lucky guess, then the right answer. Why choose someone who loved too much, too fast. Why choose someone so stupid as to love someone he knew he had no chance with. Why would someone ever choose Minho? Especially when Felix, he who loves all, wouldn’t even choose him first. Why would someone ever, make a choice so idiotic as to love Minho, stupid, stupid Minho.</p><p>Finally, as if just to prove Minho didn’t deserve Felix, or anyone’s, love, a large, striped white and red flower petal discharged from Minho's throat and down into the sink in front of him. There was blood smeared across the petal in multiple places. It stared at Minho menacingly from where it sat in the pristine, white bowl. Minho decided that he’d never hated flowers more, except maybe when the same thing had happened to Felix. </p><p>Minho was happy though, he had to be, his best friend just got with the two people he loved, but there was still a bitter resentment towards Jisung and Hyunjin, for being able to have what he couldn’t, for being able to show their love openly now, for having Felix, for being his first choice.</p><p>So as Minho glared at the petal, he knew what he had to do. He would stay quiet and power through this disease until it killed him. He had to, for Felix. Minho really would do anything, anything at all, for Felix, even die if it meant he got to be happy, because no one cared if Minho had his objections and opinions, but they all cared about Felix and so did Minho. Minho loved him so much (too much), and he would die so that Felix would remain happy. Sure, he’d mourn and grieve, but he’ll have Hyunjin and Jisung to help him through it and he’ll be happy and that’s all that really mattered.<br/>
Minho then looked at the petal again and he recognized it easily. A striped carnation, wish I could be with you.</p><p>/////</p><p>No they won’t know I’m missin’<br/>
‘till they pull me out the mystic</p><p>/////</p><p>And I ain’t tryna be lonely, solely<br/>
but everything I touch turns to stone<br/>
maybe I’m better off on my own</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Icarus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Felix knew it wasn't right but he couldn't stop, he was destroying himself, like icarus he was drawn in and burned, only left to drown</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Shorter than the first part, but I just wanted to post something for this :]</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Minho then looked at the petal again and he recognized it easily. A striped carnation, wish I could be with you.</p><p>/////</p><p>No they won’t know I’m missin’<br/>
‘till they pull me out the mystic</p><p>/////</p><p>And I ain’t tryna be lonely, solely<br/>
but everything I touch turns to stone<br/>
maybe I’m better off on my own</p><p>/////</p><p> </p><p>The dominant gene for hanahaki was known to be found in 50 or so percent of the population, so for some people, even if their love is one-sided, they will never have to experience the pain and grief of flower-filled lungs and a ticking time bomb blooming in their chest. So really, it was coincidental that both Felix and Minho had gotten the disease, it was only unfortunate that it had not been for each other. But of course, Minho wouldn’t have had it any other way because at least, with this ending, Felix could be happy because really, if one of them had to be happy it should be Felix. Because if one of them deserved to live and be happy with whom they loved, it was Felix. Felix, Felix, Felix.</p><p>Of course, there were other endings, other possibilities, but was it really an ending if he had yet to die? Because while Minho was suffering, he had not passed on so was this really the end? Maybe it could’ve been, had it been any other reality, but in this one? Well Minho thought maybe there was a silver lining. He was still alive, albeit unwillingly, and he would spend every second of his remaining time with his friends before he let the disease finally take him forever. However there was one thing bugging him. The disease hadn’t gotten any worse. It hadn’t gotten better, of course, but it wasn’t getting worse. He still coughed up flower petals every so often, as the disease hadn’t progressed much before becoming stagnant, and there were still streaks of blood coating the petals, and he still had trouble taking deep breaths. </p><p>He talked with his new therapist about it and she suggested talking to a medical professional who would know more than her. He hadn’t taken her advice yet. He didn’t want to know the cause, he had his theories of course. Like how maybe it was because Felix had developed some feelings for him but not enough to make the disease fully stop. Or how maybe he was falling out of love with Felix. Or maybe he was the 1% where the disease just cures itself. And the theories go on and on nonstop revolving in Minho’s head day and night. It drove him crazy to not know why his ailment wasn’t progressing further, but at the same time it made him so, so terrified to think about the possibilities. </p><p>It wasn’t until two weeks of steady throwing up and breathing difficulties that Minho got a little bit more of a clue as to why it wasn’t worsening. Felix had appeared at his doorstep a couple of hours before the entire group was supposed to meet up, tear tracks obvious on his face and hands shaking terribly. Of course, Minho let him in immediately after laying his eyes on a face he hadn’t seen Felix wear since his disease-ridden days. Felix headed straight for the couch, more tears falling as he sat down and looked to Minho, silently asking for him to sit with him. And Minho followed, because he’d follow Felix anywhere, to the ends of the earth if he asked.</p><p>They sit next to each other, stiff except for Felix’s shaking shoulders, and nothing is said for what feels like forever. Eventually, Felix calmed down enough to speak steadily and the first thing he did was ask for a glass of water. It was understandable, he had been crying and his throat was probably sore. Minho left for a second, going to fulfill Felix’s wishes, but as he’s reaching to get a cup from the cupboard over the sink, he’s turned around by a hand on his shoulder. The glass he had grabbed fell to the floor and shattered but he paid it no mind because Felix was so close to him and he could feel the flowers rising up his throat and he needed to puke. But before anything reaches his mouth, one hand came to Minho’s shoulder and the other slid up his side and around his neck to pull his head even closer to Felix’s until their foreheads were touching. Then they were closer, closer, closer.</p><p>It all happened so fast and yet so slow and Minho couldn’t breathe, the ghost of Felix’s breath heating his lips and the aftershock of the kiss sending sparks down his spine. Neither could look away from the other’s eyes, revelling in the electricity between them. Nothing mattered in that moment besides Felix. Felix’s eyes, sharp and buzzing with an energy Minho couldn’t name. Felix’s mouth, open and panting a song Minho knew only in his dreams. Felix’s hands, roaming from shoulder to back to side to chest and scratching at the small hairs at the top of Minho’s neck. Everything about Felix, Minho was hyper-focusing on because if he thought about what had occurred between them in that moment he didn’t think he could articulate, even in his head, just how it made him feel. </p><p>“I think I love you…”</p><p>And with those five words Minho’s perfect hyperfixation air bubble was broken and he was drowning again. Drowning in Felix’s words, in the atmosphere surrounding them, in the weight of the situation, in the thoughts inside his head and all the words he wanted to say, drowning, drowning, drowning, and he couldn’t see the surface. Then, as if diving down to bring Minho back to the top of the ocean he’s found himself trapped in, Felix speaks again.</p><p>“Please say something.”</p><p>Minho shivers from the utter vulnerability in Felix’s voice, the pure and untainted want. He responds, not with an “I love you,” but with an “I want you” (completely a slave to Felix in this moment, not caring about what he’s saying, only wanting Felix to keep kissing him like they’ll die tonight) and Felix connects them at the lips once again, pushing harder and harder and Minho’s back is pressing into the counter, but he doesn’t care, he only cares about Felix. Because Felix is kissing him and Felix might love him and Felix is running his hands all over Minho’s body, wherever he can reach. And then they’re slowly moving backwards, away from the counter, around the wall, behind the couch and into Minho’s bedroom, never breaking contact because they’ve both been in this house so often that of course they could navigate it with their eyes closed. </p><p>Minho hits the back of his bed and they fall, breaking apart for the first time since the kitchen and gazing at each other through thinly veiled want and what could only be described as a lust for closeness, for togetherness, for being one with each other. Minho looks up at Felix for as long as he can get away with without breaking the moment and then he reaches up a hand and brings Felix’s head down towards his again and they’re kissing once more. The way their mouths connect gets sloppier and less coordinated the longer they kiss, and Minho starts crawling backwards further onto the bed. Felix follows, still hovering over his friend as they break apart and come back together and break apart and come back together. Each time they reconnect, the air around them gets warmer, as more pants and hot breaths are released and as their mouths connect again and again. </p><p>The cycle continues and gets more and more frantic as it goes on, clothes are discarded and lips are abandoned for jaws and necks and collarbones and stomachs and places even lower. They get lost in the pleasure of drowning, not in oceans, but in each other and time blurs as they just get closer and closer and closer, not caring about consequences, only caring about taking each other to highs only known in dreams and fantasies.</p><p>/////</p><p>Seungmin was suspicious the second Minho opened the door. He was slightly sweaty and breathing just barely too heavy for it to be normal, almost like he was working out before and was still feeling the exercises' effects, just not fully. Like he was calming down from a run. His suspicion only grew when Felix came out of Minho’s bedroom like it was his own, just seconds after Seungmin and the others were let inside. It didn’t help that Felix seemed to be wearing Minho’s clothes and that his expression was one of shock, and almost… fear. Seungmin forgot about these suspicions of indecent activity once Hyunjin and Jisung walked up to Felix with quiet murmurs of “hey baby,” and “you didn’t tell us you were coming early,” and returned phrases of adoration. </p><p>They looked happy and it wasn’t like Felix to do anything to potentially sabotage a relationship where he and everyone involved was happy. However, some suspicion returned when Seungmin turned his gaze to Minho. He looked almost like he longed to be the one talking to someone in such a soft and affectionate tone. Seungmin hoped Minho was thinking about him. It was unlikely, but it didn’t stop the warm feeling of hope that spread through him. It took Chan suggesting loudly that they watch another lighthearted film (one Seungmin really didn’t care enough about to remember the title). They watched it in almost silence, a few comments were made here and there but mainly they just watched the movie, a tense atmosphere settling in and yet no one knew why it was there. The air smelled of deceit and a disgustingly warm scent of sweat and something blatantly sexual, but maybe it was only Seungmin who could tell</p><p>Felix was sitting on the floor in between Hyunjin and Jisung while Chan, Minho, Seungmin, and Jeongin squeezed together on the couch and Changbin sulked in the neighboring recliner, missing someone to share body heat and a blanket with. Once the movie finished (at least four of them had been yawning since half way through it) everyone started getting ready to leave.</p><p>The suspicions came back full force once more when Seungmin overheard Felix telling his boyfriends that he was going to stay behind and help Minho clean his place up a bit. Hyunjin and Jisung thought nothing of it, each of them giving Felix and sweet, but short kiss goodbye before heading out the door hand in hand. Chan, Jeongin, and Changbin left soon after and it was just Minho, Felix, and Seungmin left in the house. </p><p>/////</p><p>After an awkward goodbye to Seungmin, Minho closed the front door and turned back to Felix, “You weren’t actually planning on helping me clean were you?”</p><p>Felix laughed a little, but it didn’t reach his eyes and it was like Minho was thrown back to earlier in that day, before everyone came over, when it was just him and Felix and he looked so upset. Guilt immediately drenched Minho and he felt so, so bad. He had probably taken advantage of Felix, something was probably happening in his personal life and he just needed an escape and Minho provided tha- “we need to talk.”</p><p>“About what?”</p><p>“Minho,” Felix spoke his name with such conviction that Minho knew that they would definitely be talking about what happened and that it would not be a comfortable conversation, “you know what we need to talk about.”</p><p>Minho oh so desperately wanted to not have this conversation but he couldn’t exactly leave his own house and he couldn’t leave Felix alone when he so clearly was upset (at him or something else entirely was still up for debate). </p><p>“Okay Felix… talk to me then.”</p><p>That was apparently not the right thing to say because Felix exploded, “We slept together Minho! That’s not something casual that we can just have a conversation about! I cheated on them, I cheated on my boyfriends with you, don’t you understand that!”</p><p>Well if Felix didn’t want a conversation, if he wanted an argument, then he was going to get one.</p><p>“That was your choice, Felix, and yours alone, don’t act like I was the one to go up and kiss you out of nowhere!”</p><p>Felix stalked up to Minho, placed his hands on his shoulders and leaned in towards his face, “Oh but who kissed back? Who was it Minho? Cause I know it sure as hell wasn’t m-” </p><p>And then Minho made his mistake of the night. It was the same mistake as earlier, just for a second time. He kissed Felix. And as he locked their lips together, he heard and felt muffled words of indignation from Felix before he slowly started to kiss Minho back. They each pushed forward into the other, Minho’s hands found their way around Felix’s waist and Felix moved his hands around Minho’s neck as they kissed further, harder, faster. Breaking apart and coming together again they kept at it, all their emotions swirling until everything was blurred. They might’ve gone back to the bedroom, they might’ve gone to the couch, really if you asked Minho how it all happened he wouldn’t know what to say. </p><p>Felix was in trouble. He was in a relationship with Hyunjin and Jisung, but he just kept coming back to Minho. Neither had really talked much that night, save for a few whispered affirmations of love (from Felix) and hushed praises (from Minho) and gasps of “we shouldn’t do this” (from both of them, but neither really wanted to stop). It was bad, Felix knew, but something about Minho and the secrecy kept drawing him in again. Every time it happened he would tell Minho he loved him. And every time it happened Minho would only tell Felix how much he wanted him. But outside of this time between them, Minho always told Felix he loved him, but Felix never said it back because it never felt right. It was as if Felix only loved Minho at night, in the bed, covered in secrets and deceit and Minho only loved Felix at daytime, in the sun, covered in freckles and bathed in light. Minho loved Felix at his brightest, but Felix only loved Minho in the dark.</p><p>/////</p><p>Hyunjin and Jisung had no idea. Every time they told Felix they loved him, he said it back so sweetly. And every time they’d each kiss him, he kissed back enthusiastically. Nothing seemed wrong, it all seemed perfect, but maybe that was what showed that something was wrong. Because Felix was never perfect. When he loved, he loved too much and got a disease. When he wanted, he wanted too much and became selfish. He never could seem to get that perfect balance between what he wanted and what was attainable. </p><p>Felix was lying. To himself, to his boyfriends, to Minho, to their other friends, to everyone and he wasn’t ready for the truth to come out, but he knew it would. He was getting too used to waking up next to Minho, then texting his boyfriends good morning, then going about his day as if he wasn’t doing something so utterly wrong to all three of them. He had told Minho that he loved him every night they were together and every time Minho asked if he was going to break up with Hyunjin and Jisung soon. And every night Felix said yes. But every day he’s with Hyunjin and Jisung and they tell him they love him, he always says it back. And everytime they talk about the future it's always about the three of them. Felix never breaks up with them. He doesn’t want to.</p><p>They treat Felix well, always making sure he doesn’t feel excluded in the relationship or jealous. They treat Felix well, making him feel so good about himself. They treat him well, but Felix doesn’t think he really loves them like he thought he did. If anything, he thinks he loves Minho more. Minho was always there for him whenever he needed it, through the disease especially. Minho gave him a distraction from the flowers destroying his lungs and the storm of self-depreciation in his mind. </p><p>Since Felix no longer suffered under the effects of the disease, he figured that Minho must love him back, that or maybe he was still in love with Hyunjin and Jisung, or possibly he didn’t love any of them and was just projecting his want for intimacy into thoughts and feelings of love. </p><p>A week had passed since the last time Felix woke up in Minho’s arms, the soft fuzz of a blanket comforting on his exposed skin and the weight of Minho holding him down. He missed it. It was nice to be wrapped up with Minho in their own little world. Felix wished that he could be with Minho at that moment, but that thought that plagued his mind made him feel like he was drowning and that he deserved to be. He was thinking about being with Minho, basking in the after-sex glow, while he sat there in-between Hyunjin and Jisung as they ate lunch together in some restaurant Felix couldn’t be bothered to remember the name of. His boyfriends conversed and exchanged overdramatized stories of their days while Felix simply played around with his food, moving it around the plate rhythmically. He missed the concerned glances the other two threw at him and each other every so often, he always missed the things that would change his mind and set him straight, he always missed the way people loved him. </p><p>Minho on the other hand didn’t know how or what to feel, his disease was still at a standstill and he knew nothing about where he stood with Felix. Were they together? Friends with benefits? Did Felix love him or was Minho just being used as something new and shiny while he wasn’t being satisfied by Hyunjin and Jisung? The main problem wasn’t Felix though, it was Minho himself. He didn’t know if he actually loved Felix or not. Sure, he had the disease that could’ve proved that he did in fact love his friend, but it was stagnant and Minho didn’t know what that meant. Did he just yearn for love so bad that his body developed a disease to make him think he was in love and could possibly be loved back? Was this entire situation a misunderstanding? Did Felix still have the disease or did it die at the same time Minho’s erupted in his chest. Minho had so many questions yet no answers and he felt like things might be better if there was no Minho there to deal with any of it. </p><p>After an afternoon of coughing up bright petals and miniscule amounts of blood, thinking about just how much easier things would be if he weren’t there and alive and breathing, Minho called Felix again. It wasn’t the first time one of their nightly visits was called about and scheduled beforehand rather than being impromptu and in the moment. It wasn’t the first time Minho had called Felix before Felix called him. It wouldn’t be the last time Felix would say yes to Minho even when he knew it was so, so wrong to do so. It wouldn’t be the last time they got together in the late hours of night to consummate a relationship that didn’t exist. It wouldn’t be the last time Felix told Minho he loved him but wasn’t sure if he meant it or not and it wouldn’t be the last time Minho wouldn’t say it back until the morning, surrounded by their other friends. And it definitely wouldn’t be the last time Minho felt empty yet whole at the same time, like he finally had a purpose, to make Felix forget, to make him feel so good he forgot all his struggles, but it felt like it wasn’t supposed to be his job in the first place. Minho felt like he was still useless, just filling in for someone better, a first choice.</p><p>/////</p><p>You didn't mean to say, "I love you"<br/>
I love you and I don't want to</p><p>/////</p><p>Acting out all their fears<br/>
You feel it in your chest<br/>
Icarus is flying too close to the sun</p><p>/////</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ahaha,,,,, I'm sorry</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Did It To Myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Felix didn't want to be angry, he didn't want to make mistakes, but who's to stop him when he can't even stop himself?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I haven't reread this yet and I don't remember most of what I wrote, but I wanted to finish this :]</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Minho felt like he was still useless, just filling in for someone better, a first choice.</p><p>/////</p><p>You didn’t mean to say, “I love you”<br/>
I love you and I don’t want to</p><p>/////</p><p>Acting out all their fears<br/>
You feel it in your chest<br/>
Icarus is flying too close to the sun</p><p>/////</p><p>Suspicions are a dangerous thing to look into, because if they are correct then part of reality shifts or breaks and it’s near impossible to build it back up again the same. Seungmin didn’t want to find out if his were right or not, if Minho and Felix really were… doing things, if Felix was actually cheating on Hyunjin and Jisung, if Minho was aiding him in betraying their trust. He didn’t want to know because if it turns out these thoughts were correct then the vision he had of his friends, his loyal and trustworthy friend, would be broken and Seungmin didn’t think he could handle that. He wanted to tell Hyunjin and Jisung about what he was feeling, these thoughts that broke into his head and wouldn’t leave, but he knew that it would just turn against him somehow. So he stayed quiet, and he observed.</p><p>Anytime Seungmin saw Minho he was just bombarded with thoughts of what he and Felix were possibly doing, thoughts that almost made him resent his friend for a moment. The same thing happened whenever he saw Felix, but mostly when he saw Felix with his two boyfriends, the two people he was supposed to be in love with, the two people he almost died for. But apparently he would throw that and all its possibilities away for the sake of a fling with a friend. It didn’t seem like something Felix would do, cheating and lying and going behind backs. Seungmin almost thought that Minho was manipulating or blackmailing Felix to some extent. But that also wasn’t like him, either of them. Minho was kind, when it counted, and he loved his friends, maybe sometimes too much, but he loved them nonetheless and that included Felix, Hyunjin, and Jisung. And Felix, while sometimes a little naive or clueless, he was strong and determined and he would never let himself be blackmailed into a situation like that.</p><p>At least, Seungmin hoped his friends were actually like that, that they weren’t faking anything or pretending to be someone they weren’t. Of course, Seungmin still didn’t have proof that the two were really sleeping together behind everyone’s backs, but he had his suspicions and his intuition. His mind told him that every little thing was a clue, Felix coming out of Minho’s bedroom that day the suspicions first popped up, Felix wearing Minho’s clothes too often for it to be an accident, Minho’s longing looks towards Felix and his boyfriends, Felix staying behind after all their hangouts to “help clean up.” It all added up a little too nicely and Seungmin was surprised no one else seemed to catch on yet. </p><p>He was still debating telling his other friends about these thoughts when he received a text from Hyunjin asking if he could call. He quickly replied and awaited for the familiar ringtone to blast out from his phone. Once he heard the instrumental music he reached for the device and pressed the green button, accepting the call. </p><p>“Seungmin,” Hyunjin rushed out, the second he accepted, “we need help, me and Jisung.” Seungmin sat up, feeling that this would be either a very long, very tiring, call, or a possibly very serious call. Or maybe both.</p><p>“What is it, Hyun?”</p><p>A sigh was heard through the phone’s speaker, then some rustling, another sigh, a small hiccup, a sniffle, and then a few simple words, “We think Felix is cheating on us.”</p><p>/////</p><p>My dear, you're not so innocent<br/>
You're fooling Heaven's gates<br/>
So you won't have to change<br/>
You're no saint, you're no savior</p><p>/////</p><p>Felix was scared. Hyunjin and Jisung were mad at him, he was sure. They hadn’t texted him good morning yet and it was nearly 11am, they were both always awake before then. And then when Felix took the initiative and texted them a morning greeting in the group chat between them first, they hadn’t responded, both leaving his text on read. And then later, when he had tried calling Jisung to tell him about his day, brushing off the morning thing as an accident, his call was declined and all he got was a simple text saying “Can’t talk, busy.” and nothing else, not even a call back later. And after the same thing happened when he tried calling Hyunjin, he even got sent the same exact message back, Felix knew that they were mad at him. The most obvious reason for them being mad was if they found out about Felix and Minho, but that was clearly not the case. They were being careful, they were being discreet with it all. Nobody could have possibly known.</p><p>And as Felix sat in his car, checking the weather obsessively (the forecast said it was supposed to rain, but the skies had been blue all day and Felix didn’t believe his weather app at that moment), trying to waste away the time until Minho answered him, he felt something like dread in his heart. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t stop, he was upset and that day had him feeling unloved and forgotten and guilty for doing everything wrong yet also doing nothing at all. Felix was aware that this whole situation was messed up, but that didn’t stop him from speeding over to Minho’s place and kissing the other as hard as he could the second the door opened. Minho’s mouth was familiar territory, something he knew, every bump and curve and line and motion Felix knew like the neighborhood he grew up in. He couldn’t pinpoint anything specific without being there, without experiencing it, but once he was there, he knew every twist and turn, every hill and every dip in the road. Minho immediately responded enthusiastically, pulling Felix into the house as he closed the door with his foot, placing his hands in Felix’s hair, under his shirt, on his face, anywhere he could freely reach and touch. </p><p>Minho was the first to break them apart and before Felix could rush back in and kiss him again, he put their foreheads together and stared into the other’s eyes. Minho saw every emotion in Felix’s eyes, he always was able to tell exactly what Felix was feeling because his eyes told everything, the entire story, always. He knew Felix was upset, he knew that this was just a distraction, he hadn’t been missing Minho. </p><p>Minho knew this and yet he still said to Felix in a small whisper, just for the two of them in their own little bubble of a world, “I’ve been thinking about you all day,” before leaning forward and gently pressing his mouth over Felix’s. It didn’t stay gentle for long, and soon they were scrambling to stay connected while maneuvering towards the bedroom. Minho kicked open the door and they entered, still attached at the mouth. Breaking apart only for moments, heavy breaths and loud pants filled the room as clothes were discarded. Felix fell down onto the bed as his legs hit the edge of it and that was the longest they had stayed apart in minutes as Minho stared down at Felix and felt an overwhelming sense that this wasn’t a sight he was supposed to see, like this was something from someone else’s memories that he was intruding on. </p><p>Minho slowly backed away until his bare back hit the wall beside the still open door. Felix shuffled up onto his elbows and looked back over at Minho, gaze painted in concern and something Minho couldn’t name, something that almost looked like annoyance, but masked in worry. </p><p>“Minho?” Felix asked, voice quiet, as if he was afraid to disturb the other, “Are you okay?” It was a stupid question to ask, he didn’t look okay, he wasn’t acting okay, so why did Felix ask that? He wasn’t sure, it just sounded like the right thing to say. Minho looked out of it, like he wasn’t present in his head and he was zoning out. Felix knew the feeling, he daydreamed and zoned out often, but never in this situation. It made him self-conscious, if he was being honest. He felt as though maybe Minho didn’t really want this, as if he was forcing himself to try and love Felix after that day in the kitchen, when Felix had first kissed him and started this whole thing.</p><p>“Minho?” Felix called out again, sitting up further and dangling his feet off the edge of the bed, fiddling with stray threads poking out of the blanket beneath him, “Minho, what’s wrong?”</p><p>Minho startled, looking up from the spot on the carpet he was hyper-fixated on and staring at Felix instead. He looked almost a little crazed, like he had just woken up from a nightmare, like he was scared. </p><p>“I- I-” he stuttered out, switching between looking at Felix and looking nearly anywhere else, he seemed to be avoiding looking at the open door or the clothes on the ground, “We shouldn’t do this, Felix.” </p><p>That didn’t make sense, they had both said that sentence before, but it was all hushed whispers in the dead of night to no one but each other, not even caring that they didn’t mean a word of it. But this time, when Minho had said it, it had a sense of finality to it, like they really wouldn’t continue. Felix didn’t know how to feel about that. He wanted this, just as much as when he initiated it, but he also wanted to stop, he didn’t like going behind his friends’ and boyfriends’ backs. But this… he didn’t want it to end because of how Minho was feeling at this moment, because of some rash decision made based on emotions that would pass with the night. Felix had asked Minho what he had meant, if he really meant what he was saying. Minho didn’t reply, he just shook his head, turning to the door looking haunted by something Felix couldn’t see and walking out of the room. Felix wasn’t going to let it end like this, he wasn’t ready to lose it just yet.</p><p>“Hey!” Felix yelled, hopping off the bed, leaving the room, and going after Minho, “You can’t just leave like that what the he-”</p><p>“Felix?” He froze. That wasn’t a voice he was expecting to hear. That wasn’t a voice he wanted to hear, not while he was in Minho’s house, not while he wasn’t fully clothed, not while it was obvious what they were about to do, not while he was out of his head and upset.</p><p>“Felix why are you here, why are you-” </p><p>“Hyunjin!” Felix exclaimed, terrified and wanted to divert the coming subject, “What uh- what are you doing here ha…” he trailed off, not knowing what else to say. Hyunjin didn’t respond right away, he simply gestured to ask if he could come inside and Minho opened the door wider, letting him walk right in. He kept walking until he was in front of Felix, his eyes showing so many emotions: sadness, betrayal, bitterness, anger, anything and everything he felt was convoluted in the deep expanse of his eyes and Felix knew he had messed up. Bad. He was caught nearly in the act and he had no idea what to do. Minho had opened the door, knowing fully well that he and Felix both were still half undressed and that anyone at the door could’ve guessed what had been going on, and Felix was glaring at him. He turned away from Hyunjin and towards Minho, crossed his arms over his bare chest protectively, feeling both exposed and vulnerable in front of his two closest friends.</p><p>“Felix…” Minho had started when he looked into Felix’s eyes and saw how hurt he looked, hiding his pain behind the ghost of a glare, “Felix I can explain…”</p><p>“I don’t want you to!” Felix yelled, not knowing why exactly he was trying to seem angry when he was more upset and hurt than anything. </p><p>“Fel-”</p><p>“No, Minho! You don’t get to stand there and act as if you didn’t just give away something huge, like you didn’t take away my chance to explain myself and talk to them about this on my own time!”</p><p>“Felix,” Hyunjin spoke up, going to put a hand on his shoulder before hesitating and bringing his hand back down, “me and Jisung, we already had our suspicions about this.”</p><p>“What the hell are you saying, you mean you knew? And you didn’t say anything? Did you just not care?”</p><p>“We only came to the conclusion today,” Hyunjin tried to reason, but Felix wasn’t listening.</p><p>“You mean to tell me that you knew? You knew and you both stayed quiet and did nothing? You found out that I was going behind your backs to sleep with our mutual friend and you stayed silent? Did you ever even care about me at all?”</p><p>That struck a chord in Hyunjin. “Did you ever even care about me at all?” It was a simple question, at its core, but in the context it was horribly upsetting because if Felix thought that them not saying anything in the few hours they had known meant that they never cared, then what did Felix’s betrayal to them mean? Had his heart lied to him, giving him false feelings and justifying that he loved them so much he had developed a disease? Did his heart spin a tale of love and red strings that was really just ideas and fantasies that held no real meaning or truth? Had Felix faked himself into believing that he was so in love with Hyunjin and Jisung that he coughed up flowers for them and almost died for them when really, he didn’t care for them nearly as much? It was clear in the way that he easily started having this affair with Minho and how he didn’t put enough effort into hiding their relationship well enough to get it past Seungmin, or Hyunjin, or Jisung, or anyone else that just looked?</p><p>“Did we ever care about you?” Hyunjin asked, repeating Felix’s question and cutting off his ranting, “Did we ever care about you? Felix, you were one of the people we cared about most! We invited you into our relationship because we loved you! We loved you and you threw that away to sleep with a friend!”</p><p>Hyunjin looked towards the quiet Minho, still with his hand on the door handle, even though the door was now shut, “And Minho, don’t think we’ll ever forget that you were involved in this too, don’t think that this won’t take a huge toll on our relationship because we’ll be paranoid to ever invite another person to be that close to us, don’t think that we’ll ever, ever, forget that someone who was supposed to be one of our closest friends betrayed us and slept with our boyfriend. Don’t think for a second that you’ll be forgiven any time soon, if ever.”</p><p>With that, Hyunjin stalked towards the door, tugging Minho’s hand off the handle and ripping it open, going immediately to his car parked in the driveway and driving off, but not before Felix and Minho saw a free stray tears slide down his face.</p><p>Hyunjin shouldn’t have been driving at that moment, he was crying and he could barely see, but he knew the way back to his and Jisung’s apartment like he knew the back of his hand and another car’s headlights would still be visible through the blur of tears. However, he still pulled over and parked the car on some street a few blocks away from Minho’s place. He shakily took his phone from his pocket and went through the familiar motions of calling Jisung. His boyfriend picked up on the first ring.</p><p>“Hyun? Hey, hey, wha- were we right?” </p><p>Hyunjin didn’t think he could get out any words and he didn’t know why he had called Jisung when he couldn’t talk because of the lump in his throat. He let out a shaky sigh and a small sob and Jisung seemed to get the idea. He started telling Hyunjin all the things he loved about him as he usually did when he was upset and needed to be cheered up. Hyunjin could tell from his voice though that he was struggling too. After a few minutes of sweet and soft exclamations of love and affirmation and validation, Jisung asked Hyunjin where he was, if he needed a ride, if he was going to be okay. </p><p>Hyunjin was able to swallow back the rock in his throat for a few seconds to answer Jisung’s questions with a few small words, an “I’m okay,” a “no, I drove there,” a “just a few minutes away.” He was still crying, but notably less than before. He told Jisung in as few words as possible that he was fine and that he’d hang up, then be home in a few minutes. They hung up the call and Hyunjin was alone again. He started up the car and let the lyrics from the songs playing from the car’s radio soothe him further.</p><p>/////</p><p>Restless mind, I can't shake this<br/>
Said I'm fine, but we both know I'm fakin'<br/>
I'm not feeling numb<br/>
I'm just feeling everything at once</p><p>/////</p><p>Felix was crying. He knew he had no right to, he wasn’t hurt the worst in this situation, he shouldn’t feel hurt at all. He was the one who was damaging the relationship, he was the one who was betraying the others, he was the one who didn’t deserve to cry. Minho had tried to come forward and place a comforting hand on his shoulder, but Felix just shrugged him off and grabbed the first shirt he saw lying around before walking out the still open door and heading down the street. </p><p>Felix knew it was supposed to rain that day, he had looked at the weather forecast almost in obsessive procrastination earlier that day. He didn’t believe it, but he guessed he should have because soon after leaving Minho’s place, Felix felt a small wet splash on his cheek. He looked up and saw gray rain clouds covering nearly the entire expanse of the sky. A few moments passed until suddenly it was raining so hard that Felix could barely see five feet in front of himself. He thought about turning back to go take shelter at Minho’s house, but that idea was discarded almost immediately because seeing Minho again was the very nearly the last thing Felix wanted to do at that moment. So he kept walking.</p><p>One of the last things Felix remembers about that night was the sudden stabbing pain in his chest, the burning feeling of drowning as though the rain was falling directly down his throat and filling his lungs to the brim, leaving no room for air. He remembered not being able to breathe, he remembered falling and feeling the faint pain of scraping his hands and knees on the street’s asphalt, he remembered coughing and he remembered the bright colors of flower petals dulled by the rain and blurred by his closing eyes. He didn’t remember the low resounding thud of his body hitting the rough, black street and he most definitely didn’t remember being almost run over by the unknown truck that barely saw him through the thick rain. He didn’t remember being brought to the hospital and he didn’t remember anybody that visited him. He didn’t remember and it ate at and killed him more than the disease had because he didn’t know whether he got to apologize to Hyunjin or Jisung, or whether Minho or any of the others had come to visit him. He didn’t know, but he was told many times, every single time he complained and whined, that no one ever fully remembered their last moments. That just wasn’t how it worked. </p><p>Felix missed them all terribly, and he regretted so much. He regretted not apologizing the second he could, he regretted getting upset and letting his emotions lead him, he regretted not going back to Minho’s place and at least being able to die with a friend there instead of alone in the middle of the road, almost to be run over by a stranger. Felix regretted not living his life more. Felix almost regretted falling in love, if he ever did. He just wanted to be alive again</p><p>/////</p><p>You know devils don't fly<br/>
So don't expect me not to fall<br/>
Devils don't fly<br/>
But God we almost had it all</p><p>/////</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ahaha rip the motivation for this story rlly left me, but I wanted to finish it so I'm sorry if it isn't that good, but I really just could not find the right words to make it better</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Rip Minho 2020</p></blockquote></div></div>
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